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November 2008



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Nov. 17th, 2008

Me and Roxie Break Up

Dear diary,

mood: numb

song: Ticket Outta Loserville by Son Of Dork

Well, today was actually kind of uplifting...cuz i got to hug Jessica!!! ^-^ And she said she just wanted a hug from me, that's all, no one else (haha, bitches!). Anyways so yeah... that was after school when I was talking to Teddy and Freshman, and Jessica, and Casandra... after i ran away from Darren and Trent, i kinda ditched em, lqtm. And Ashtyn talked to me today, it was kinda awkward, but the cute kind of awkward you know? I met him the other day after school when he was waiting for his mom to pick him up.

Anyways yeah... It's like 10:30 at nite, idk y i'm still up. I can't stop thinking about Jessica... it's like i've never been in love before... I know that sounds weird, but I've known her since 6th grade and we've always had this little bond, but it never turned into anything, but idk... I kinda feel a spark now.

And i'm kind of ignoring Roxie now, so she can break up with me, I've actually been trying to annoy her, but idk if it's working or not. Trent and Darren think my plan (of ignoring and avoiding her so she'll break up with me) is a "Chicken Shit" plan, but i think it's golden, and no, not Golden Chicken Shit, cuz that's just fucked up and... i'd feel sorry for the chicken cuz that sounds like it'd hurt. Well, the finals are coming up, which i'm probably going to fail all of them, and i'm going to fail all of my classes, and this year is going to SUCK grade-wise.

And then Jessica and Bri uploaded pics from 8th grade, the best days of my life... And I even put them as my desktop wallpaper since it filled me with butterflies. Sum times i wish we cud just go back to then and be happy again... even with Ash's gay-ass and all those weird shit we did like "Gambling with Hearts" (a book we wrote) and the torture of Transvestite Gym Teacher Lady. Ever since freshman year, our group kind of fell apart... since Ash goes to Prarie now (which i miss her) and everyone else gets to go to Wash, but just a few weeks ago, Hayden got kicked out and now he's going to Metro. And Me, Darren, and Trent still are tight as ever... and Jessica and Bri are kinda coming back too. Btw Ash's my ex, we went out like 3 times and Loel is just plain ANNOYING AND STUPID AND RETARDED and so we kinda shunned him...yeah, now it's 11:06 p.m. and my ass is hurting from sitting on it for so long... so ttyl, i'll miss you <3

(continued...) Nov. 18

mood: running from fears and chasing the shadows

mood song: Breakdown by Forever the Sickest Kids

Well, today is the happiest day of my life...me and Roxie broke up! :) My "chicken shit" plan worked!!!!!! 4:53 p.m., im filled with butterflies. Now i can persue my love(s) Piper, Jessica, Bri (yeah, Bri now too... i know), Danni, and whoever... Idk y, but this break up actually feels good... odd. Usually i'm broken... okay then. Weird! O.o But since we did break up, i mean i can actually say... i kinda only stayed with her cuz i hate and i'm afraid to be alone or single... I wish that someone out of nowhere wud just sweep me off my feet and make me feel like i'm the only one that they want and the only one that they need, but since it's me... probably never going to happen... :'(

*sigh* *sulk* *sulk* I need a hug...

So, i just spent the last couple hours commenting on pics on MySpace with Jessica and Bri argueing about how Bri's a cutie and that Jessica is just... Jessica. Lol... I need to re-paint my fingernails... the black's chipping off... fuck. And my pregnant (assuming) 4 month old kitten Paco (who we thot was a boy at first so that's y she has a guy name) is leaving on friday to adoption place, she's going to miss my mom's birthday and then up-coming Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.


Nov. 15th, 2008

In Love with A Stranger

Dear Diary,

mood: so pissed i cud cry

song: Murdered in the Mosh by Son of Dork

...i'm so numb inside...i c-cant process what is happening to me... Idk whats up now... *sulk*...*cry* Its so weird, i miss Beanie. I love him so much, but I don't even know who he is. And Jessica, is she just a flirt or is she like the nightlight that keeps the nightmares away? ...And idk wtf is up with Roxie or Danni. And with Trent... he likes Sam now... which she was supposed to be mine in the first place, but now i'm nothing to her since Trent came into the picture. She's hurt me more than anyone has. I mean, he's a hypocrit, and in a way just to me, he's such a barbie inside...Well, i'm at school, blackened with sorrow, all around. I avoided Roxie all day and she avoided me. While Trent flaunted his anorexic boyfriend's bandana hiding his yuckey man-hickies underneath. Erg.

Anyways, today after school, Darren and Trent were going home, left me alone with Audrey and Jessica. So...yeah *sulk* And now Darren is slumbering over at my house. He brought like this bitch load of quaters, like 4 dollars worth, haha, and we headed out. And that nite was like nothing else. A night filled with rainbows and blood...*sigh* *sulk* *sulk* We went to a football game in Cedar Falls, for my brother's playoff game. Inside this giant ass dome. Opened the entrance door and got lost in a sea of unknowns and nobodies. The scent of burn popcorn suffocated us and asphyxiated into our throats. *sulk*

Then we just drifted around that hell, looking for someone...anyone to make us feel comfortable. So, we ran into the Mousers (these two little kids), they sat with us in our corner with his future lover. After a while we just waited around with Nug Stepanie, then just wandered back and forth in the tunnel area in the back. A crowd full of people, yummies and yucks. But out of the thousands of beings, they choose us. First it was just a look. We were walking just to walk on the other side of the stadium with the other school. And so then we come across them. They walk in front of us and stare at us. Keep looking and glancing. Then we came to a dead end so we decided to turn around, but they walked forward. Then when we walked back down that hallway, so did they. Headed our way, they came. All of them stared. Then all of a sudden... hell's instincts overcame us; we turned into Barbies.

Our hearts raced, our asses switched, chests to the fullest and badass knob on maximum. Every beat of every breath in every second felt like eternety. Its like I've never had a been in love before. We, for once, felt like we were sexy. As we pass eachother, they all turned their heads, as so did we. Smooth skin, the subtle-suductive smile, the softest lips, the most mesmorizing eyes... flawless imperfection. We turn our heads back forward and whisper to eachother, not looking back.It felt like more than just a pass-by flirt... Pinch me, is this real?

Then we went back on our school's side, and wandered a bit again. And were on our way down the stairs, and there they were, seemed like they were waiting for us at the bottom railing, all their heads focus on us, every step we took, it was captured in their minds. We sat at the bottom of the steps, and tried to look as normal as possible, without being obvious. Darren reported every 10 seconds, that they keep looking over here. Looking... one by one, then three at a time... It was so exciting tho, our hearts never rested. We walked by them to go to the other side, just to pass them. I'm such a dork tho, i got out my phone and recorded a video of their asses when we walked by. Haha. :) And we just needed one thing to make them speak to us, or to give us the courage to say hello... I mean, they didn't stare at anyone else, but us. Not any of the barbies, whores, bitches, sluts, geeks, NO ONE, but us... sounds so concieded, but it was true.

My mom, the bitch that she is, embarassed us IN FRONT of them, as she walked down the stairs saying "why am i wearing that shirt?" when i'm wearing the shirt she told me to wear. And then to put on a fuckin jacket, when it was like 80 degrees in there. She totally harshed my mellow and blew out our fire. And then the worst part was she STOOD NEXT TO THEM and started cheering for the game like a fuckin cheerleader!!! >.< We were so fucked, the guys as you can tell, didn't look at us for the rest of the night... except for one last looked we shared as we walked away to the exit. *cry* *cry* And i swore, one of them waved good-bye, but i didn't get to see cuz of the people who were passing thru.

I'd give anything just to have the chance again... to see them again and feel like i felt before. So on the way home, afflicted with their memories, Darren n I listened to "Lover I don't have to love"by Bright Eyes and "Bother" by Corey Taylor, which made us cry, and it felt like our hearts were broken, empty inside... like the world ended. We recovered a bit, but not alot. Beanie is the rythm of my heart, and the song stuck in my head.

I fell asleep on my bed as i thot about them, and Darren soon after did too... Idk y, but I miss them... '~' That was the only moment in life when math actually made me cry. 2 dorks. 6 guys. 8 hearts. 2 broken. Well, now i'm watching Full House re-runs and sulking myself away... Darren is asleep in my room... I'm trying to be careful not to make a sound... well, ttyl, diary.


mood: heavy with empty burden

song: psychosocial by slipnot

Life is killing me, slowly running a knife across my throat. Nothing can make me feel alive anymore. I'm on the way home from the mall empty handed. I couldnt get the striped shirts that i wanted or the gun-printed shoes. The only highlight of today was this insane hat i tried on that has the 2 flaps on the sides with soft fuzz inside... And so me and Darren sat on the wall outside of hottopic, watching people pass by. Then out of nowhere my hair makes a suicide jump and flopped down, then this random (semi-cute) guy went up to me and gave me a really weird survey about "the mall." It was like "what do you do at the mall?" "why do you go to the mall?" "where do you go in the mall?" "what's the main purpose of the mall?" I was like, this is gay as seasame street puppets. Anyways, so yeah, and then there was this cute guy who handed us our caffinated beverages at McDonald's, he was wearing all black and these black winter gloves, like those fuzzy ones your mom would buy you when you were in elementary school. It was cute, haha.

But all day 2 things never left my mind, Beanie... and Roxie. And Beanie's memory is just coming back to us because we saw his hat in "Hat World" and then a hot chick in a green beanie and another hot chick in a checkered beanie. But Roxie.... i guess we're not working out. But she totally lit the fuse on my crazy bomb, cuz he put on his facebook status "Roxie is wondering why things just can't be easy?" I mean, I talked to her today, and she avoided me cuz she was pissed that she broke her 30$ ear buds and that apparently i hid something from her, but i wasn't hiding shit. And she shouldn't take out his ear-bud anger on me. So... yeah. And I'm still in the car on the way home, my mom driving, my brother in the front seat watching Kung Fu Panda, and me n Darren sitting in the backseats.

And in the landscape outside looks depressed. The sky, bumpy with gray, the trees frozen dead, and empty highway streets... and we're almost home now, so I''ll write in you later.


Oct. 21st, 2008

More Changes

Dear diary,

mood: sleepy

song: Emo Kid by Adam and Andrew

My life is like a neverending vortex of suffocation. I can barely breathe... and it sux cuz i left my ipod at home and it has all my favorite bands in it. I'm sitting here in the corner of the staircase at school since it's way early. Well, ttyl diary... -_-


mood: sleepy

song: Cupid's Chokehold by Gym Class Heroes

In World history rite now, 3rd period. And I just got back from the ITEDS make-up. I saw Danni and Emily. Emily's old nick name was Popcorn, haha. She's cute, but just needs a haircut. And in class rite now, this dirty kid "Nally" keeps touching Trent, i feel so bad for him, I just want to throw a bar of soap at her and scream "TAKE A SHOWER, DIRTIE!!!" I told that to Trent and he just laffed his ass off. I don't understand why ppl think i'm funny. Like almost every other line i say is repeated by some else and makes them laff so hard. Fuck, they must be on acid... Drugs are bad. *glares at a jew*

And so, my new seat WOULD be in the back corner with Kyle... he keeps looking over at me... I pretend not to notice, and he thinks I don't know. I can see this giant buldge in his thigh... He probably his a boner from staring at me... Idk y he wud tho, I'm ugly and pale. I look like a girl with my new haircut... So i guess, that means he's enjoying my new look but doesn't that mean he wud be gay? Haha, altho that'd make him hotter than he already is :). And yes, I'm bi. 

And today during the ITEDS make-up, i saw Piper walking in the hallway... she's the sexiest chick alive! Ah!... altho she'll never notice me. I don't even exist to her... *sulk* I'm friends with her on MySpace, me and her have the same taste in music and bands, but we never IM... idk y, and Roxie was supposed to be here too, but she wasn't. She's probably home sick 2day. And last nite she used her smarticle-brain-games to get me to show her the poem i wrote about her. She thot it was cute and said that when she learns to drive, she'll come to my house everyday just to be with me... tee hee <3.

And Lucus keeps brushing down his hair, quick glance at me, brush his hair, quick glance, pretends to listen to Teacher-Man, quick glance at me... and he does it every 5 minutes... weirdo. He's cute... His smile makes me giggle, idk y, i don't even have a crush on him. And there's Kenny walking in the hallway, he's so sexy. The soft hair, smooth voice, skinny jeans, snake bites... he's the perfect non-conformist. And Trent knows this guy Lee (sum Asianese exchange student)... they hug EVERYDAY for 10 MINUTES STRAIGHT! He talks funny and smells like my brother... and this other guy Trent knows is Mikey. He's uber cute, but like not the kind of cute that u'd want to date, like the cute that says "best friend" and "Has your back" but not "U give me butterflies." But he and Trent stopped talking, he's kewl, even tho he called me "emo" and "pothead."

And just like my life wud... i get the fuckin Dirtie Nally in my group... goddamn! Fuck... kill me now.


mood: squirrelly

song: n/a

It's after school now... been a whyle since, actually. School's out at 2:45 n it's 4:11 now... I have have to wait for my mom. anyways, so here's what happened...

Got out of class with Trent and we put our stuff down in our usual spot. We wandered around for a whyle and then went to the library, which was 10.08% fun and 89.92% suckfest. Ana was there too, that made it WORSE. Of course you know that she's my ex. I was listening to music and talking on VampireFreaks with Trent next to me typing up his poem, that he's never going to print... and do nothing with. Which i think is stupid since he's typing it and never to print it? Why does he even type it then? ...conformist. I don't really like tecknollogee. Only for my ipod, and computer so I can talk to Roxie n ppls on MySpace. On that note, my mom thinks i'm spending too much time on the pc talking to Roxie, but she doesn't know about Roxie, yet. I'm kind of hiding her from her, she just thinks i'm listening to music when i'm on. Now she won't let me go on until my homeworks iz done... fuck. And i didn't even get to talk to Roxie today...

So in the lyberry, me n Trent doing our thing, Ana shows Trent this stupid ass game that freaks the hell out of you when you win it, then I walked with him to the bus stop. the twins and Kai were there. We started talking about Lee and Piper (<3) and Roxie. And then they found out that I'm Anti-Final Fantasy and Anti-Twilight, no offence to anyone, plz don't hold it against me, cuz that's just mean... anyways so yeah... ttyl.


Oct. 20th, 2008

New Seats in Class / New Poem

Dear Diary,

mood: anxious

song: Don't Trust Me by 3OH!3

Whoa! I'm 43.1% happy today... haha, new record. Anyways, i had to go to the doctor's today. He kept touching me... i... felt... so.... vioalted. It turns out that i'm not allergic to Paco, just seasonal allergies. But the flipside is that i got this awsum Bleach (anime) t-shirt from my mom. Yay... sorta.

And i said hey to Trent too, but idk where Darren is??? And i can't wait for L.A. to see my Roxie <3. God... i'm such a dork, haha. Well write in you later diary. Oh, and btw I made this new poem, it's not very good, but oh wells. It's 3rd period, and I have to get back to class now. Bye byes ^-^

Anarchy signs on the back of her hands

Screaming at the concert like she's on with the band

R-r-red cuts cover her arms

Bleeding from her wrists with a joint in her palm

Exhale, with the smell of kool-aid

Tounge kissing her best friend, ready to get laid

Dyed hair, black with blue underneath

Going to the store to buy some vampire teeth

Black tank with the neon green bra

She wrote her phone number on the men's bathroom stall

"Love Me" is taped onto her heart

It glows when she cries in her room in the dark

Sadness splattered all over her dreams

When she wakes up, she grabs her pillow then screams

Watching the man of her dreams drive away in his car

Dying inside, she knows she's just another girl alone at the bar


mood: lonely

song: n/a

Grrr.... it's 5th period and Natalie, Darren, nobody's here! Why? '~' I'm sitting on the other side of the room. God... I feel like such an emo. Diary, you're my only real friend... and Roxie's over there laffing with some other peers... and a that guy. A FAT UGLY BaSTARD...he wears too much fuckin make up and should die, and BURN IN HELL!!!... i hate this class so much... I hate my life... This is L.A. so i should be reading my novel, but i have no such thing. So I'm going to write in you... to try and let life pass me by. I'm hungry, but it doesn't matter... we're all going to die someday... I mean, life is pointless, even tho sum ppl "treasure" and "cherish" their life, I think it's total bullshit...we're born, we die. then do it all over again. STUPID. Sum ppl say it's to find "true meaning." I don't really give a fuck about my "true meaning."

Why can't you just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger?... Oh, haha, cuz u don't have any arms, diary, i'm so silly ^-^ Oh, and like a bunch of asswholes this week asked me if i cut myself... Just because i write in a diary, listen to music alot, write depressing poetry and songs, black hair, pale-ish skin, and feels sad all of the time, DOESNT mean i'm emo. That's so stereotypical. Diary, you're the only one that understands.


mood: fan-FUCKING- tastic

song: Never Wanted to Dance by MSI


Its me again. Surprise...-_-. Now i'm in 7th period. Geometry. Roxie is taking the test and so is Trent, and the class is half over. I'm currently 39.23% happy. Woot. Well i just got done with the test, and wanted to update from the whole dark phase i was in before... And Roxie just left, went to "cough up something fierce" as she would speak. I miss her already... :(. Idky y, but i can't see what anyone else can see in anyone else but her...


Oct. 19th, 2008


Dear Diary,

mood: apathetic

mood song: Tears Don't Fall by Bullet For My Valentine

My life is so confusing. I mean, I cudn't get the skinny jeans at the mall that my mom said i cud get for christmas.... Why can't she just buy it now for me and just not give me a present then? No one understands me... And it's been like 9 days since me and Roxie have been going out. I keep thinking about her. Its so weird, i mean, like, we haven't even kissed, barely even hugged... yet idk... I keep thinking about her. I think about her everything.

her curly brown hair

her smile and single dimple

her voice... so cute ^-^

And everyday whenn i wake up, i can't wait to go to school and rush to the cafeteria, just to say hi.... and she said that my hair was cute, so i guess, i do it all for her, but she's been sick lately... i hope she gets better. If i cud, i'd run over to her rite now and just sit by her side in bed and make sure she's okay... I miss her. Whenver i see her picture on MySpace, it makes my heart melt... And i constantly find myself checking if she's online...I miss her way way way too much, i hope i'm not in love with her, cuz i'm afraid to get my heart broken again.